Hi friends,
It has been almost a year since I've posted on my blog. On April 22 of last year my dad passed away and everything came to an abrupt halt in my heart. It's taken me the better part of a year to figure some things out, come to terms with my grief and to find some way to honor my father in my life, to make his death mean more than just the fact that he has left us.It was not an easy lesson. I learned that when we lose someone we love, we cannot undo time, we can cry all we wish but it will not bring our loved one back. We can be angry all we wish but it will not bring our loved one back. We can try to make time and life stand still ,but life will go on. And it will go on without bringing our loved one back. It's painful, it's empty and it's cruel. But it is what it is. Someone dear to me recently quoted Gertrude Stein's " a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose" to me. The same is true of life and of death.
Looking back, much of the past year is a blur to me. I remember watching my stepmother grieve the loss of my father, wishing I could find the words to ease her pain. I remember saying goodbye to two elderly friends of mine, causing me to be afraid to care and love because of the inevitable pain of loss in the future.I remember that I severed ties with a family member who caused too much drama and pain in my life for much too long. I remember that I don't remember spending much quality time with the man I love. We were on auto pilot much of this past year.
I know that I made a job change that was horribly stressful, likely in my own attempt to stay busy and forget how unfair life is. The job robbed me of a personal life, of time for myself, my family or even God. It was a horrible experience for me and exhausted me in every way possible. I didn't burn the candle at both ends, no sir, not me. I melted it down to nothing but a puddle. I pulled away from church. I stopped putting in time at the gym or watching my diet in relation to my diabetes. I put myself in a mighty race against the clock and it was a hopeless fight.
Our bodies can do odd things when under stress and mine didn't disappoint. I returned to the crazy insomniac I had been in years past. My body broke out in a relentless, miserable rash that my doctor could not explain. I experienced allergic reactions to chemicals I'd touched many times before. I had headaches, sore throats, earaches. But I kept running that race. I felt I had something to prove.
My husband was a trouper, he's always been my best friend and my rock. He picked up the slack at home and made dinners, he stepped in and shopped for groceries.... whatever needed doing,he did it.One day I found myself hiding in the ladies room at work because I just could not put one foot in front of the other and go out there and face one more customer.I finally, finally decided I had lost control of my life. When I went home and told my best friend and rock that I needed to quit the race and admit defeat, he was right there waiting with a hug. I felt as if someone had lifted a building off my back.
I barely caught my breath and I found myself experiencing some bizarre physical symptoms that earned me a ride in an ambulance ( THAT wasn't on my bucket list but was a bit of an adventure!), a visit to ER and ultimately a stay in the cardiac unit of the hospital. Lots of tests and doctors and dollars later, it was concluded that my physical heart is working just fine. But I knew that.Deep down I knew that, though common sense dictated I must endure their tests to be sure. I've always been an easy patient and I'm a big girl about a night in a hospital bed but only one other time in my life, can I recall being so desperate to go home, to my own bed and to my best friend. That was the day my dad had died.I just wanted to go home. I was exhausted and battle weary. There's no place like home.
When I finally got home from the hospital I was...... not myself. I was exhausted but not sleepy. I was hungry but had no appetite. I was sad but no tears. I was happy to be home but no joy. I was just plain empty and wore out. I had some quiet time to rest and think, to just be. I thought a lot about my dad and how I'd watched him lay in a cardiac unit, only in very grave circumstances. I thought about the past months and how I'd lost so many opportunities to just enjoy life. And I began to think about what I want my life to be like, what I want to enjoy. I began to sort out who and what is important to me and who and what is not. I found myself ridding our home of some unnecessary clutter. I got rid of "stuff", items I'd kept because I "had to" and items I kept because they'd "cost money". I returned to church and to God. I forgave him for taking my daddy away from me and I begged Him to help me be a better person, a more joyous person and to take better care of this body He gave me. I streamlined my life and my home to allow more time for me and for my marriage and family rather than spending so much time keeping up my house full of junk that I didn't need to keep! It's a work in progress, but I'm liking the results.
I am rested now, both physically and emotionally. I have begun to enjoy crocheting, something I learned as a child from my grandmother. I have been baking and cooking. I have connected with a long lost relative via regular emails and we have had great fun getting to know each other all over again. I have been treasuring phone chats with my daughter and step daughter. I have been enjoying every single giggle and snuggle with my youngest grand daughter. I now live for quiet times with my husband over a cup of coffee. I am happiest when our dinner table is surrounded by our children or family. I get absolutely giddy when I complete a small crochet project!!
I plan to take up yoga because the peace and meditative qualities of it appeal to me. My husband and I have vowed to get back to the gym and make it a "date night". We have promised each other we will work on socializing more with other couples and with family.
And in the midst of this newly discovered peace and purpose in my life, I have been blessed with a job opportunity that I feel very good about. It is work I am familiar with and have excelled at in the past. It comes with rewards that do not expect my personal life to cease. I feel a change coming on and it is good. I still miss my dad terribly and I always will, but I can smile when I think of him and I think he is nodding approval that I've finally come full circle to where I was always meant to be. I will spend the rest of my life with joy.I WILL, YOU JUST WATCH ME.
You look ridiculous if you dance
You look ridiculous if you don't dance
So you might as well
dance.”
― Gertrude Stein
You look ridiculous if you don't dance
So you might as well
dance.”
― Gertrude Stein
